Self Research

My historiography professor asked us if it is possible to ever write a single definitive history. History is the practice of putting events into context, of giving meaning to the past. It is not simply a recitation of facts. There is always a bias (which isn’t a bad thing!) and even if two historians examine the same set of events they will produce two different writings; they won’t reach the same conclusions. Does that mean one of them is wrong? No. Assuming they did their research, read sources thoroughly, and are not straight up fabricating or altering facts, neither of them is necessarily wrong. Is it possible to produce a false narrative for personal gain? Certainly. We see this all the time in dictatorships, and even true facts can be used for propaganda. But let’s simply set aside completely false narratives and simply focus on different perspectives, different perceptions from different people.

So, no. I don’t think it’s possible to ever write a single definitive history. In fact, good historians change their minds all the time! I recently wrote a review of a book, and in one chapter the author primarily engaged with his own past works, acknowledged where he now thought he was wrong, used new evidence to alter his argument, and admitted to his mistakes. That happens over time! New evidence comes up that changes our perception of life.

That doesn’t just happen in academic fields either. Personal understanding of your past can change. Something you viewed with a rose coloured lens can become soured in hindsight. Or something that felt truly awful, terrible, unrecoverable, can become more positive with a little time and retrospection.

Does that mean that past you was wrong? Or that present you is wrong? No. Not at all.

If you were happy in the past that was your truth then. If a little hindsight makes you now feel that striving to get back there isn’t right for you, that’s your truth now. The important thing is that you find and acknowledge your truth and stick to it. Be honest with yourself, as hard as that can be.

What if you don’t know your truth yet?

Well, that’s okay too.

This happens all the time in the practice of history as well. I begin every new research project with a little bit of panic. I don’t know where to start or what I think. But I simply start reading. I gather a few random books that are loosely related to the topic and begin gathering information. Eventually I start to get some context, start to subconsciously put pieces together, start to understand things a little better. Do I have a solid topic yet? No.

The best feeling is that “Aha” moment. At this point not everything is perfect but a few more pieces fall into place and suddenly I have a direction. Suddenly it’s easier to understand what I’m reading and I know where to go, what sources to search for, even if I don’t know everything yet.

I think it’s the same in finding your truth or understanding your feelings. If you feel lost then just begin. You don’t have to know everything about yourself. Just pick a direction and try to find your deeper inner self. Try meditation. Not your thing? Fine, try reading self help books. Not your thing? Okay, go to the gym. Not your thing? Fine, try something else.

Research is a process. It’s not linear. It can actually be really frustrating and difficult, but the Aha moment is so worth it.

Weekly Mantra: I choose to let go

I have really been working on catching myself overthinking, over worrying, and hyper-fixating on thoughts that are not useful to me. It’s a subconscious thing, so I don’t ALWAYS catch it, but now when I do I try to replace that habit with something more useful to me. I’ve been trying out repeating mantras in time with my breath for a minute, and so far it seems to be working. So it goes a little like this:

*breathe in* I choose

*breathe out* to let go

There’s a lot of things I need to practice letting go of. I’m not very good at it yet. It’s easy to focus on something and overthink it and blow it out of proportion. It’s much harder to move your energy to something else and actively try to stop hyper-fixating on things. But it’s worth practicing. I think it will help my mental well being a lot.

What I really need to let go of is assigning morality to the ebb and flow of my feelings. It’s not that I intentionally do it, but like I’ve said before, the language we use is very powerful no matter how subtle. I caught myself doing it last night. I had entered a stage of loneliness and sadness after several days of feeling alright, and I described it as “going bad after several days of being good”. But there is nothing inherently bad with sadness. It simply is. So instead, this week I’m going to simply try to sit with this feelings. And then breathe in, breathe out, and move on with my day.

Recognize Feelings in the Moment

Recognizing how you feel in the moment seems like a silly statement. They’re your feelings, how could you NOT recognize them? But really, mindfulness and self awareness are not easy to practice. Especially if you are already trying to suppress the way you feel and bottle up all the negative feelings.

It is entirely possible that in moment of weakness, say when you first wake up, that these feelings come up to the surface and make you irritable and frustrated and maybe even angry. It might make you snap at well meaning loved ones or the barista making your coffee or the bus driver or really at anyone. When they don’t deserve it and you are really just taking your frustrations from a deeper issue out on them.

This happens to me all the time. I ignore my feelings and bottle them up and then if I’m hungry or tired it starts to leak out and I take out the feelings I’m trying to keep to myself on everyone else. Doesn’t seem fair, does it?

So it’s good to practice checking in. It’s hard to do, and you won’t always be honest with yourself, but it’s still a good practice.

Ask yourself:

How am I acting right now? How am I treating others?

How am I feeling?

Is the way I’m feeling related to the current situation or to something else?

This is good to do even if you feel like you’re in a good mood. Because the key here is to make it a habit. It’s easy to do if you’re feeling good, but infinitely harder to do when you’re upset. And not everything has an underlying cause. Say your loved one likes to play music that you don’t like at full volume first thing in the morning when you like silence in the morning. That’s annoying! That’s a main cause for your frustration. But that frustration might get escalated by bottled up feelings too, so it’s always good to ask;

am I being rational right now?

Your Feelings are Valid

Earlier I wrote about how I don’t want my feelings to become my identity. I want to know who I am beyond the feelings of sadness or happiness or content or overwhelm. That is still true, without a doubt.

However, I think it’s important to talk about the flip side of that.

Just because I don’t want to identify with my emotions doesn’t mean I can’t, or shouldn’t, feel them. Even though they are temporary they still exist and should be acknowledged and felt. They are still valid emotions.

My goal is not to be an emotionless being. I think that emotions, as uncomfortable as they can sometimes be, are still a necessary and important part of life. Besides, nothing good comes of ignoring your feelings. They should still be acknowledged, and they should still be felt. Locking them away accomplishes nothing except bottling them up for a later date.

Beyond that, the feelings you have are valid. They may not always make sense at the time. They may not ever make sense. But they are still valid. And there is no ‘right way’ to feel. If you are grieving, or full of joy, or experiencing mood swings, or taking longer than you expected to process something, that’s all okay. In fact, placing expectations on your own feelings just makes them more difficult to manage. Expectations ruin everything just a little bit.

I’m rereading books right now, and the current one is A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas. When you reread things, or rewatch things, different words will stand out to you. What you need in that moment sticks with you, even if you didn’t notice it before. This time two things stood out to me:

” If it grieves you, then I don’t think it’s absurd at all.”

“Don’t feel bad for one moment for what brings you joy.”

It is so very human of us to hide not only that we are grieving and WHY we are grieving, but also what brings us joy. To conform to the status quo. And I am not pointing fingers at anyone; I do it too. It is such a very human thing to do.

But if you fight that instinct and allow yourself to feel, and accept your emotions for what they are, how freeing would that be?

This is a challenge for myself. Truth be told, I don’t necessarily WANT to feel everything. But it is necessary.

So I am going to practice feeling. Like anything else, practice makes habit. So I am going to practice feeling intentionally. I can’t remember where I heard it, but it was recommended to set a timer, sit down, and for the duration of that timer do nothing but feel. Kind of like a meditation. That way, instead of overwhelming yourself with your honest, genuine feelings the whole day, you only have to do it for a few minutes.

Like everything else, start slow.

And if you struggle with feeling, and being comfortable with feeling, the same way I do then I challenge you to do the same.