My historiography professor asked us if it is possible to ever write a single definitive history. History is the practice of putting events into context, of giving meaning to the past. It is not simply a recitation of facts. There is always a bias (which isn’t a bad thing!) and even if two historians examine the same set of events they will produce two different writings; they won’t reach the same conclusions. Does that mean one of them is wrong? No. Assuming they did their research, read sources thoroughly, and are not straight up fabricating or altering facts, neither of them is necessarily wrong. Is it possible to produce a false narrative for personal gain? Certainly. We see this all the time in dictatorships, and even true facts can be used for propaganda. But let’s simply set aside completely false narratives and simply focus on different perspectives, different perceptions from different people.
So, no. I don’t think it’s possible to ever write a single definitive history. In fact, good historians change their minds all the time! I recently wrote a review of a book, and in one chapter the author primarily engaged with his own past works, acknowledged where he now thought he was wrong, used new evidence to alter his argument, and admitted to his mistakes. That happens over time! New evidence comes up that changes our perception of life.
That doesn’t just happen in academic fields either. Personal understanding of your past can change. Something you viewed with a rose coloured lens can become soured in hindsight. Or something that felt truly awful, terrible, unrecoverable, can become more positive with a little time and retrospection.
Does that mean that past you was wrong? Or that present you is wrong? No. Not at all.
If you were happy in the past that was your truth then. If a little hindsight makes you now feel that striving to get back there isn’t right for you, that’s your truth now. The important thing is that you find and acknowledge your truth and stick to it. Be honest with yourself, as hard as that can be.
What if you don’t know your truth yet?
Well, that’s okay too.
This happens all the time in the practice of history as well. I begin every new research project with a little bit of panic. I don’t know where to start or what I think. But I simply start reading. I gather a few random books that are loosely related to the topic and begin gathering information. Eventually I start to get some context, start to subconsciously put pieces together, start to understand things a little better. Do I have a solid topic yet? No.
The best feeling is that “Aha” moment. At this point not everything is perfect but a few more pieces fall into place and suddenly I have a direction. Suddenly it’s easier to understand what I’m reading and I know where to go, what sources to search for, even if I don’t know everything yet.
I think it’s the same in finding your truth or understanding your feelings. If you feel lost then just begin. You don’t have to know everything about yourself. Just pick a direction and try to find your deeper inner self. Try meditation. Not your thing? Fine, try reading self help books. Not your thing? Okay, go to the gym. Not your thing? Fine, try something else.
Research is a process. It’s not linear. It can actually be really frustrating and difficult, but the Aha moment is so worth it.