Balancing fun and self respect.

It seems impossible to find balance between taking care of myself and doing the things I know will make me fell energetic and good, versus spending my time in the company of others and enjoying all that that entails.

I love spending time with my friends. Especially now, when we are all vaccinated and able to see each other more freely. A year and a half of isolation has opened me up to more spontaneity. My adherence to my schedule is not so rigid. But it does seem like this comes at some cost.

My own health and financial goals have been put on the backburner, at least for the last month and a half. It’s summer. Everyone my age, including myself, has a freer schedule and we are all craving the company of others. But it seems almost impossible to balance a booming social life with my private life. Granted, I know this isn’t impossible. I have friends who at least appear to be managing it. How they do it I have no idea. Until recently I’ve lived my life more privately. I have always had friends to turn to, of course, but I wasn’t going out regularly. I’ve always had my own goals, my own schedule, responsibilities, wants and needs.

Honestly, until now I’ve never had any issues putting my own plans first. Although, if I’m being honest here, then it’s most likely that socializing and putting more “responsible” thoughts out of my mind is what I’ve actually wanted to do. It felt nice letting loose and “acting my age”.

Acting my age. What does that even mean? I am 21. There’s a standard behavior expected of my age group. And I have always been told I act older than I really am. I have always been told that I’m more mature. Even when I was a kid I was called an old soul. But I don’t think that’s the case. I think that I am as immature as any other 20-something year old. I just have a set of priorities that I stick to most of the time. But that’s the same as any other person. I think it’s all about priorities.

But now that Summer is coming to an end and the new semester is looming (a far too ominous word perhaps, as I am actually very excited for the upcoming semester) I can feel that perhaps the pendulum has swung a little too far. I’ve been spending more money than I want to, not working out as much as I used to, and eating and drinking a little too much. I can feel it in the energy I have through the day. I feel sluggish and worried. It’s time to pull back just a bit and focus more on my own goals.

Does that mean cutting off my friends completely? Certainly not. It just means that I need to hold myself a little more accountable and stop letting myself down quite so much. It’s not really fair to me if I keep putting my own wants and needs and goals on the backburner.

I just need to be smarter about it, that’s all. Maybe, instead of going all in every time I drink I can just have one drink. Maybe I can eat before I go out and just get an appetizer sometimes. Or suggest activities other than going to bars! And always remind myself that this isn’t the last opportunity I’ll have to eat and drink and socialize.

And on the subject of drinking, I really want to cut back on that. To be honest, I don’t even drink an outrageous amount. I’ve never blacked out, I’ve never gotten sick, I never drink by myself. And I do like the taste of some alcohols. I really enjoy whiskey and bourbon and rum. I’ve had some amazing tequila on my travels. I’m blessed to know a few chefs that are excellent at pairing wine with food. All of these things in moderation are okay.

I just don’t like the feeling of going overboard. I don’t like being hungover (not that anybody does). But more than that, I hate the feeling of being out of control of myself. It’s the same reason I won’t touch marijuana even though it’s legal in my country. I hate the feeling of losing control of myself. I don’t feel that way when I have one or two drinks. But when I go out with some friends, who just like to drink for the sake of being drunk, I can’t stand it. I like pairing drinks with food, but I don’t actually like drinking.

I used to never overindulge. Is it a bad thing every now and then? No, I don’t think so. But, again, too often with not enough respect for my own wants and needs is not okay. It’s not what I want and it feels like a lack of respect to me, coming from myself.

Is this something I would say out loud with any ounce of confidence? No. But I can certainly confess it here and know there’s a chance someone now knows that I am promising to respect myself and my goals more in the future.

Is it easy to respect yourself? Not all the time. But we can certainly practice it and get a little better at it every day.

How Do I Make Changes That Are Overwhelming?

If I’m being honest, I am not living the sort of lifestyle that I want right now. I’m wary of making generalizations, but I also think that’s something I have in common with a lot of people. How often have you heard the phrases “someday” or “when the time is right I can do ___” or “once ___ happens I can do ___”?

I say these phrases all the time. It’s mostly subconscious. I don’t even realize I’m saying them.

In my last post I talked about how I think about my goals for the future. Everything I said still holds true. I still don’t know where I will be in five years or what it is exactly that I want. But I do know what kind of lifestyle I want. I know the kinds of routines, attitude, habits, even diet I want. I can picture in my mind what my mornings would look like and how every room in my apartment would look in this ideal future. Some of these things I can’t have right now. I’m still living at home with my parents and I’m not quite in a position to move out, so it’s not like I can design an apartment for myself right now. However, other things in this ideal future are attainable right now. What’s stopping me from living the ideal lifestyle?

Probably just myself. If I pause and really think about it I am the biggest roadblock between me and this ideal version of myself.

That sounds like some line from a corny motivational YouTube video, but it’s still true.

If I want to be the sort of person that gets up early and sleeps early, why can’t I? If I want to be the sort of person that eats plant based for a whole day at least once a week, what’s stopping me? If I want to reorganize my room I CAN. I am fully capable of redecorating. But I haven’t.

Part of it is accountability. Not to anyone else, but to myself. I promise myself that I will do the things I want to do, but then I forget about them a day later in favour of other things that take higher priority. The other part, if I’m being honest, is effort. It takes effort to change habits. It’s easy to stick with what you already know, even if it’s not really what you want to be doing. Changing your habits takes conscious effort, every day, until they stick. And even then it can be a little too easy to slide backward into the old ways that are easy and thoughtless.

The future me in my head is very different from present me. I mean, that future me is still ME, but upgraded. She does all the things present me swears I’ll do, but never gets to. But, in order for that upgraded future me to exist, I have to put in effort. I don’t know why I expect her to have more time to do the things present me wants. She won’t. If anything, future me will be way busier and have way less time.

I have to start making time now. Otherwise, it will never happen. It’s overwhelming, though. Between the accountability, the effort I know it will take to ‘upgrade’ myself, and the difference I imagine between future me and present me, there’s a lot to take in.

But there’s no getting around it. The only thing I can really do is try to hack myself, make it easier. I can actually start writing things down in places I will remember. (For that, I use notion. It’s a real game changer). I can focus on where I’m at right now. And I can take little steps rather than big leaps.

We hear it all the time; take little steps. One step at a time. But it’s true! I think that’s how I’m going to get over the overwhelm. I’ll make a list of the things I can do right now, and pick one to focus on for the next few weeks.

MY list as of right now is as follows:

• Fix my sleep schedule. Sleep by 11, up by 7.
• Less social media time. Not completely cut out because I use it to talk to friends, but less mindless scrolling.
• Eat plant-based more often. Not cut out meat COMPLETELY, just eat less of it.
• Reorganize and redecorate my room.
• Learn more every day for personal interest, not just obligation from school.

I’ve been focusing on my diet a lot lately anyways, so I think the easiest of these to integrate into my life is probably eating more plant based. I’ve always wanted to get better at cooking and have more variety in my diet. Now is as good a time as any!

When I think about ‘upgrading’ my life it always seems very daunting. It seems like I have to make massive changes. But I’m realizing it doesn’t have to be like that. It only feels overwhelming because I’m impatient. I want all these changes to happen right now. I want to be the better version of myself right now. But it’s not realistic to think like that. I have to be patient and take small steps, and eventually I will get there.

How on earth do we think about the future?

How do we think about the future without getting overwhelmed? In my own life it feels like whenever I try to think about my future I get overwhelmed by it. It’s easier to not think about it at all. But that’s not productive either. I’m 20 years old. If I don’t think about my future at least a little bit I’ll end up in a tough spot later on. That being said, I don’t want to always live with my mind in the future either. I’ll be overwhelmed and never actually enjoy the present. The present is a little tough, since we’re still in the midst of a global pandemic, but I still want to experience it.

See what I mean? It’s really tough.

How do we find balance between thinking about the future and being present right now?

And HOW ON EARTH do we think about the future without getting overwhelmed?

I think there’s strategies we can adopt that will make the future seem a little less daunting. Nothing is ever perfect, but there’s always ways to decrease the discomfort.

Strategy 1: Identify what’s overwhelming

I think it helps to take a step back and figure out why thinking about the future is so overwhelming. It’s hard to solve a problem where the issue isn’t clear.

It took me awhile, but I’ve identified what makes the future so overwhelming. It’s the same thing that gives me decision paralysis in my day to day life. For me, once I make a decision it feels permanent. That’s always been the biggest barrier between me and making decisions, making plans, or making goals.

When I think about the future it’s hard for me to decide what I actually want because I know nothing is guaranteed and everything is bound to change. I mean, three years ago I thought I would be studying engineering and getting ready for a career in STEM. Now? I’m studying medieval history!! I never would have expected that. Everything can change. So if I commit to something right now I won’t know if that’s actually going to happen!

It’s even worse once I tell people what my goals are. Voicing goals or plans out loud makes it feel like I HAVE to follow through, or else I’m a failure. So…

Strategy 2: Come up with a script

I hate telling people what I want in 5 years. Because either people will scoff and immediately start listing reasons why that’s unlikely, or it feels like they’re now watching my every move to see if I actually make it happen. Now, this depends on the person or course. I need support from the people closest to me and I have told them what I’m aiming for. But I’m 20 so when there’s a lull in the conversation people inevitably ask me what my plans are.

Usually I lie and tell them I have no idea. It’s stressful for me to tell people willy nilly what I want.

Coming up with a vague script and then turning the conversation away from me alleviates a lot of that anxiety. Something along the lines of:

“I’ll finish my undergrad and see how I’m feeling. Maybe I’ll pursue a masters. How about you…?”

That usually does the trick. I don’t say anything permanent or make a bold statement. I don’t like broadcasting my intentions.

Plus that question, “what are your goals?” usually makes my mind start working like crazy. I get stuck in the loop of questioning what I really do want while they talk.

Which leads me to:

Strategy 3: Write it down. But not in pen

Have you ever noticed that if you take notes of exactly what someone is saying you don’t actually listen or remember what they said? You just mindlessly write whatever they’re saying and you’re eventually forced to return to your notes because you have NO IDEA what they just said.

The same thing can happen with your own thoughts. I write down my current goals and just like that they are (at least temporarily) out of my head. I don’t think about them too hard. I just write down whatever comes to mind no matter how unrealistic my “logical” (aka pessimistic) thoughts tell me it is. I can come back to it as often as I want, but it’s out of my head.

To negate the permanence problem I write it in a non-permanent form. Either pencil, on a white board, or on my phone. These things can be erased, deleted, whatever I need. That way if my mind changes drastically I don’t feel attached to the plans I’ve written down.

Lastly,

Strategy 4: Be Vague

This doesn’t fit into a lot of future planning tips. This is a strategy for people who get overwhelmed thinking about the future specifically because they don’t know EXACTLY what they want, but feel pressured to have an exact 5 year plan.

It is more than okay to not have an exact plan.

It is okay to not know what your DREAM JOB is. It’s okay if you just know what kind of field you want to work in. Or not even know that! Not everyone is career oriented. Maybe you just know the kind of lifestyle you want.

Or, like me, you’re scared to be too attached to a plan in case it falls through. I hate the thought of having an exact 5 year plan. It gives me the same feeling that telling people what kind of life I want to live gives me. It feels like if I don’t meet those specifications I’ll be a failure.

So, I’m vague. I have a direction I know I want to head in. I know the TYPE of work I’d like to do, I know the kind of place I want to live in, I know what sort of lifestyle I want. I have direction. I do have goals. But none of these things are SPECIFIC.

For me this means that I still have something to work toward but I don’t have to be too worried about the details. If I get a job in the field I want to work in, AWESOME! That’s AMAZING! But I don’t have to be too hard on myself about the nitty gritty bits.

This alleviates a lot of the internal pressure I feel when life gets a little overwhelming.

It also opens me up to opportunities. Who knows how life will go for me? Who knows what king of opportunities will pop up? I sure don’t.

---

I hate it when people ask me where I see myself in five years. It feels so overwhelming to think about the future. Do I have goals and aspirations? Sure. Am I willing to broadcast them to the public? Absolutely not. At least, not right now.

That’s okay. Some people work better if they move under the radar. I feel better about announcing things after they’ve happened. That’s just me.

For now, I have a direction I’m going. I’m not too attached to it, but it gives me something to work toward. That’s a good balance for me.

It still gives me the feeling of working for something rather than drifting aimlessly through life. But not everyone needs to know about it either.

If you have other strategies for how to think about the future PLEASE drop them in the comments. I’m sure that I (and every other 20-something other there) could benefit.

-Rory

Overwhelm

Have you found that everything gets a little overwhelming a little faster now? Because that’s definitely how I feel. Since the pandemic began, almost a year ago now, everything seems to happen a little too much a little too fast. It’s probably because I’m at home all the time and it’s easy for all the days to meld together. I’m no longer used to the day to day strain of life in the way I was before.

Which is weird when I think about it, because life is as stressful as it was before. Actually, probably more stressful. Professor’s are making the work load heavier now that everyone is at home all the time, I still have a job, there’s relationship strain. Plus, being cooped up all the time isn’t helping.

And honestly? I don’t think I’m coping with it all very well.

The littlest things seem to set me off these days. I have to keep my phone on silent because notifications when I’m in the middle of something feel too stressful. Is that silly? Maybe. But it’s what I’ve got to do.

The other day was a great example; My boss called me five times to deal with little things that he could’ve sent in an email, I had lectures for five hours, reading to do, assignments to do, applications to fill out, errands to run. It was all way too much. Honestly, I’m a little embarrassed now, but my mom asked me how I was doing and I burst into tears on the spot.

But I did get through it. I turned off my phone, I went for a run, and then I made dinner. After dinner was made and eaten I made a very basic list of what I had left to do that night. It looked like this:

• Do work stuff
• Do school stuff
• Answer friends
• Shower
• Go. To. bed.

Very basic. I didn’t go into the details of what I had to do until I got to that step. I didn’t worry about the school stuff while I was doing the work stuff, I just did the work stuff. And I didn’t turn on my phone again until that list was made.

It actually really helped a lot.

There are two lessons to be had here:

1. Lists, even short ones, are the best thing in the world. As basic as they are sometimes, they really are one of the best ways to organize.
2. Phones are a huge source of anxiety sometimes. Now that I’m at home all the time I’m on my phone more than ever. In some ways this is good. I get to keep in touch with my friends. In other ways, this is bad and very stressful and overwhelming.

I’m sure there are other lessons to be had here, but those are my two big takeaways.

So now I’m going to make basic lists at the start of every day. Worry about the details later. And I’m going to turn off my phone more often.

If you have better ways to deal with overwhelm please feel free to drop them in the comments. And if you’re feelings this way too, know you’re not alone.

Self Love Sunday – Hydrate

Upon reflection I think there’s one major thing I’ve been missing this week, and focusing on giving it to myself this week definitely counts as an act of self love.

Water.

It’s the holidays so this past week I definitely had more alcohol than I should have, and no where near enough water. It’s just the honest truth.

So this week my act of self love is intentionally having more water. And every time I drink water I’ll remind myself that I love myself. The water is a gift of love that will fuel my brain and my body.

It seems simple but it’s also so easy to forget to drink water and I know I always feel better when I actually remember to stay hydrated. And our thoughts are powerful. If I tell myself I love myself every time I drink water I’ll be thinking it constantly throughout the day.

That’s a powerful reminder.

So love yourself and stay hydrated this week!

Character Building

I had a tough workout the other day. I was tired out because it was extra cold out and I hadn’t slept well the day before. Plus, it was a workout I didn’t particularly want to do. A couple times a week I do abs and run because I want to have a strong core to avoid injury and be able to run a mile without stopping. Plus, the gyms are closed so I’ve had to get a little creative with my workouts. But I don’t particularly enjoy the act of abs and running. It’s one of those things where I enjoy the feeling of accomplishing them but I don’t enjoy the act of doing them. The feeling of accomplishment after completing those workouts is strong enough, however, to keep me going.

A day where I felt tired, cold, and lethargic did not make doing that workout any easier, though. I did complete the workout but it took me longer than usual. My running was slower, I was taking longer breaks between sets, and several times I asked myself if I wanted to cut the workout short.

I also asked myself several times how much benefit my body was actually getting from doing the workout. I try to not focus so much on aesthetics when I workout and instead focus on performance. The looks I want will come later. Right now I want to be strong and capable. So doing a workout where my performance was not on par with previous workouts was really disheartening.

I had this realization about halfway through the workout though; It’s not always about how many reps you do or how fast you complete it. Sometimes it’s about completing a workout for the sake of your mental strength.

That’s the other goal I have that I forget about, because it’s not as easy to track as physical goals. I want to prove to myself that I can accomplish things by myself, for myself.

Finishing that workout wasn’t about physical strength, although there would be some benefit there. Finishing that workout was about my mental strength. If I finished the workout then I improved my mental resilience. I got better at withstanding discomfort. I increased my discipline.

If I finished that workout then I got to level up. No matter how slow I was or how weak I felt.

So I did finish that workout. And, as usual, I felt accomplished at the end.

Isn’t it weird how mental barriers impede us so much more than physical barriers? I think it’s because it’s easier to come up with modifications for physical movements and it’s also easier to see progress in strength and physical performance. If your mind and heart aren’t in it though you are fighting a constant battle where there are no modifications that feel right. Sure, you can make things easier for yourself, but in your mind you KNOW your body doesn’t need it so you beat yourself up and slide back further.

Maybe I didn’t get as many physical benefits from that workout. Maybe my rests were too long and I didn’t run as fast as I could have. But I did complete the workout. It built character because it was so hard. And I proved to myself that I can do hard things. That’s got to be worth something too, right?

Energy and Motivation

Lately my biggest issue has surrounded my ability to actually get up and do things. I haven’t just struggled with motivation to do the things I don’t want to do, either. Even things that I want to do have been a challenge! At first I was really frustrated with myself. I assumed my lack of energy was my own fault. And to some extent, sure, it is. But there’s a lot of factors going into it. When things go wrong I think it’s easy to blame yourself EXPECIALLY if you’re used to keeping busy. But let’s be real; there’s a lot going into it.

First of all, it’s winter.

It’s cold out. It gets dark before I’ve even had dinner. It’s dark when I wake up. OF COURSE I’m lethargic. It feels like it’s dark all the time! And I’m freezing all. the. time. And even when the sun is out it’s cloudy half the time.

It’s easy to forget that this happens every single year. By December I’m just not as energetic as I want myself to be. My plate is full, I’m stretched thin, and it’s cold and dark. That’s not my fault. Winter sort of happens every year, and yet I still have to remind myself that Winter is a low energy time.

It’s the end of the semester. I’m probably a little burnt out.

each semester is supposed to be more like a marathon than a sprint. Half the challenge is maintaining your work ethic the entire time and staying on top of things. But usually by about 8 weeks in the work load gets pretty heavy and the last month is tough. You start working later into the night and getting up earlier to stay on top of it all, and by the time the semester ends you are sleep deprived and exhausted.

Or maybe that’s just me?

Regardless, the semester just finished. I ended a marathon running at top speed when I should have been focusing on my pacing a little more. I finished strong, but now I need to rest.

My sleeping habits have slipped lately.

Now I’ll be the first to admit this is my own fault. I’ve been staying up later than I should, but I still have to get up to go to work in the mornings as we get ready for the holiday season. So, even though I just said that I’m worn out from the end of the semester, I’m still depriving myself of even more sleep.

More than anything this one is about being honest with myself about my habits. Are they serving me? No? Then maybe it’s time to work on fixing them.

I’m relying too much on motivation.

The thing is, I’m tired. So even with the things I WANT to do I’m spending a lot of time waiting for myself to “feel like it”. But the funny thing is starting something is the hardest part, even for things you KNOW that you like.

Motivation won’t suddenly lower that activation energy though. There’s always going to be friction right before you start doing something. If you haven’t been disciplined with yourself then starting to do something is going to be hard.

So instead of just forcing myself to start something that I know I’ll enjoy and get a lot of satisfaction out of I end up wasting a ton of time. I can’t just rely on motivation to start things. I’ve got to push myself to just start.

So, what can I do to just start?

Obviously not all of the factors making me feel low energy are my fault. I can’t control the seasons, for example. But there are definitely some things I can do to help myself.

I can fix my sleep schedule, for starters.

I can also lower the activation energy for activities I want to do and increase the friction for things that waste my time.

Activation energy is a funny thing. The higher it is, the less likely we are to do something, even if we know we’ll enjoy it once we get started. Especially if we aren’t disciplined and are used to waiting for the motivation to do it. Then, we’ll go for the activity with the least friction. There are ways to decrease or increase that friction, though.

For example, a big time waster for me is instagram. It’s so easy to swipe through a few pages on my phone and click it open. I don’t want to delete it because a lot of my friends communicate through it, though. So I could put it hidden away in a couple folders. Or move it around to a new spot so it’s not so automatic for me to open the app.

On the other hand, I enjoy working out. But when I’m feeling low in energy it’s hard to convince myself to do it. Even now, when my province is in lockdown so the gyms are closed, it still has a higher activation energy. I have to get changed and pick music and deal with being cold in my light active wear until I warm up. Not very appealing even though I’ve cut out the step of driving to the gym. However, in the mornings after I get dressed if I set out my workout clothes for the day then when I get home from work I don’t have to pick an outfit or think about it. It’s already there. The activation energy is lower.

Motivation and energy are fickle things. They come and go. They’re fleeting. It’s not always under our control either. It can leave us feeling weak and frustrated. But even though we can’t control everything there’s always some changes we can make to improve our discipline and lower the activation energy. Getting started is the hardest part, after all.

Also, between motivation and discipline, I’d rather have the latter. It’s much more long term and motivation can only get you so far. It disappears when things start to get hard.

Dating Myself

I ran across the concept of dating yourself while scrolling endlessly through Instagram. The post is lost to the depths of the internet now and I wish I had saved it so I could credit the account. Even though I didn’t save the post it made an impression on me and I’ve been thinking about it since I saw it.

Basically, what the instagrammer was talking about was cultivating a relationship with yourself. Focusing on yourself and being okay with doing things by yourself. Not making yourself wait for anybody. And instead of focusing on a relationship with other people, focus on having a relationship with yourself. It’s not a new concept but the way she said it really stuck with me. She said to treat yourself the way you would treat a romantic partner. The phrase date yourself really hit home though.

I’ve talked about my recent break up a couple of times and, while I am doing better now, I’m still struggling a little bit. My first instinct was to reach out to other people and the external validation did help a little bit. But, for the most part, it was like a bandaid. At the end of the day I still ended up by myself and had to figure out how to be okay being alone with my own thoughts.

That’s still something I’m struggling with. Dwelling is easy. Finding peace with going to bed alone when it’s not something you’re used to is very hard. Finding peace with yourself and your thoughts is difficult. At least it is right now.

I think dating myself might make it easier. And it might fill the holes in my time too. Instead of doom scrolling to keep my mind busy maybe I can spend my time productively in a way that feels good.

I can’t remember the last time I asked myself what I want to do and then actually did it. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t even know how to answer the question “what do I want to do?”. Isn’t that sad?

But practice makes perfect, right? If I ask myself that question often enough, and actually think about it, maybe answers will start to surface.

So in 2021 I’m going to start dating myself. And actively try to spend time on myself WITH myself.

The One Percent Rule at ANY stage

I like to listen to podcasts when I’m doing anything mindless for long periods of time, mostly as background noise so I don’t think too hard about the things my mind loves to hyperfocus on. It’s half coping strategy, half self improvement tactic. Any port in a storm, right?

My job, while not mindless, is fairly repetitive. So I’ve been listening to a whole bunch of podcasts as we enter the busy season that is Christmas. One of my favourite podcasts is The Inforium, previously known as the College Info Geek Podcast.

They talk about the one percent rule A LOT. I think it’s a really great concept. Basically, you try and be a little bit better every day. If you can be more than one percent better, that’s great! But always aim for at least one percent better. This means you can pick one tiny thing to improve and, in theory, not overwhelm yourself with all the problems you need to fix.

When they talk about this rule, though, it’s usually in reference to improving something they are already doing. Slightly improving habits that already exist within their lives. That’s great! But what about the things you aren’t already doing, but want to be?

I think that this rule can be applied to those situations too. And really, if there’s something you want to do and you start doing it one day, that is WAY more than one percent improvement and you are definitely meeting your daily quota for improvement.

Take, for example, eating healthier. On the extreme end let’s say you don’t eat vegetables like, ever. Maybe you just don’t like them. Maybe you’re convinced that the only way to eat veggies is in salads and you HATE it (speaking from experience here…). Then, one day, you actively put in the effort to start learning how to cook veggies in a tasty way that you ENJOY! Even one meal a day. One veggie. Is it the daily recommended amount? No. Are you eating the perfect, most well rounded, nutritionally optimized meal plan? Maybe not. Is it meeting your one percent quota? ABSOLUTELY!

I know from my own experience (and I imagine plenty of other people go through this) that half the reason I never make the changes I want to make is because it’s all overwhelming. There is so much information out there and every person has an opinion that they can voice out on the internet and it feels like you’re being pulled in every direction at once and it feels safer to just… not start. It’s not so overwhelming to stick with old habits.

But what if you don’t HAVE to be perfect? Just make one tiny change, and that’s good enough?

Nobody has the capacity to become a whole new person over night and be consistent with it! Nobody! You have to make small realistic changes that are within your capacity!

And don’t go looking to the internet for help either, or you’ll just be over loaded. Usually you know what you need to do right now to feel a little bit better. And if you do go to the internet for help make sure you are REALLY specific.

Like, I want to eat more vegetables. Instead of googling “How to eat more veggies” I am going to google “roasted squash recipe”. That specific.

Maybe later on I can google how to eat more veggies. But not when I’m just starting! I’ll scare myself!

If there’s something you want to change, ask yourself what you can do right now in this moment. You probably already know what it is. Go with your gut and just do it.

Self Research

My historiography professor asked us if it is possible to ever write a single definitive history. History is the practice of putting events into context, of giving meaning to the past. It is not simply a recitation of facts. There is always a bias (which isn’t a bad thing!) and even if two historians examine the same set of events they will produce two different writings; they won’t reach the same conclusions. Does that mean one of them is wrong? No. Assuming they did their research, read sources thoroughly, and are not straight up fabricating or altering facts, neither of them is necessarily wrong. Is it possible to produce a false narrative for personal gain? Certainly. We see this all the time in dictatorships, and even true facts can be used for propaganda. But let’s simply set aside completely false narratives and simply focus on different perspectives, different perceptions from different people.

So, no. I don’t think it’s possible to ever write a single definitive history. In fact, good historians change their minds all the time! I recently wrote a review of a book, and in one chapter the author primarily engaged with his own past works, acknowledged where he now thought he was wrong, used new evidence to alter his argument, and admitted to his mistakes. That happens over time! New evidence comes up that changes our perception of life.

That doesn’t just happen in academic fields either. Personal understanding of your past can change. Something you viewed with a rose coloured lens can become soured in hindsight. Or something that felt truly awful, terrible, unrecoverable, can become more positive with a little time and retrospection.

Does that mean that past you was wrong? Or that present you is wrong? No. Not at all.

If you were happy in the past that was your truth then. If a little hindsight makes you now feel that striving to get back there isn’t right for you, that’s your truth now. The important thing is that you find and acknowledge your truth and stick to it. Be honest with yourself, as hard as that can be.

What if you don’t know your truth yet?

Well, that’s okay too.

This happens all the time in the practice of history as well. I begin every new research project with a little bit of panic. I don’t know where to start or what I think. But I simply start reading. I gather a few random books that are loosely related to the topic and begin gathering information. Eventually I start to get some context, start to subconsciously put pieces together, start to understand things a little better. Do I have a solid topic yet? No.

The best feeling is that “Aha” moment. At this point not everything is perfect but a few more pieces fall into place and suddenly I have a direction. Suddenly it’s easier to understand what I’m reading and I know where to go, what sources to search for, even if I don’t know everything yet.

I think it’s the same in finding your truth or understanding your feelings. If you feel lost then just begin. You don’t have to know everything about yourself. Just pick a direction and try to find your deeper inner self. Try meditation. Not your thing? Fine, try reading self help books. Not your thing? Okay, go to the gym. Not your thing? Fine, try something else.

Research is a process. It’s not linear. It can actually be really frustrating and difficult, but the Aha moment is so worth it.